i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
