Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
