I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
