That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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