he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
