Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
