I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
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