After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
