Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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