i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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