I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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