don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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