i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
