I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
