I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
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