My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
