4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
he shaved USA in his pubs
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
