It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
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