i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Randomize
