Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
