addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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