he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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