I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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