i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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