in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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