even my farts smell like vagina
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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