6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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