Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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