People with herpes should wear stickers.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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