I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
