I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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