i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
