i already hear my dad disowning me
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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