I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
