Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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