her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
