Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
