I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
