I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
