If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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