I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
