No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
