to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
