My boss' voice literally gives me gas
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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