I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
