can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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