apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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