Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
where does the pee come out of this thing
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
