sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
