if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
