in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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