Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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