Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
