Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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