Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I did not marry a roomba.
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