I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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