Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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