There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
