I hate your face
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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