More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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