i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
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