She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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