your parents love me but you hate me
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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