i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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