I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Fuck me I smell like cheese
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize