ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
