I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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