hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
