Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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