i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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